Wants and Needs

I've been realizing lately that the older I get my wants have drastically changed. I know it tends to happen but I've always been the type of person who matured very young and was very certain about her life goals. I've always wanted to fall in love. I always knew this wasn't a Prince Charming type of love. I've always wanted a spanning through ages type of love. It sounds incredibly cheesy. It also doesn't sound like me to most people. I keep this admission close to the vest. I wanted that love and eventually have a family. Now, I'm not sure I truly want that anymore. In these notions I tended to forget about myself. I'm not saying I wanted a barefoot and pregnant lifestyle but I did start to fall behind my imaginary love. It didn't become evident until my last relationship. I lost that prospect of being complete with just myself before loving someone else. The relationship wasn't healthy in any regard but it showed me my terrifying reflection. I was bowing down to a man's dreams instead of my own because I loved him so much. I was afraid to let go. It took a lot of soul searching and now I really do feel like I'm close to completion. I'll never truly escape certain demons but I know who I am and want I really do want. I want to create things I am proud of. I want to travel the world. I want to be a better person. And ultimately I still do want a family whether that be with a partner or not. I know I'll be a great mom. I always have had a lot of love to give and my child will feel all of that. Maybe, my soul mate is within my unborn future child. Life really is crazy sometimes and sometimes you really do need to lose yourself to realize that person you truly are. 

Stronger

The darkness has always been part of my soul

I’ll never escape

I embrace it

I use it as art

I manipulate it when the pain is too much to bear

It has pushed me to the brink

I have died in my mind millions of times

But then I see the sun

I feel that light

And I remember

I am always stronger

Sigh

I can feel it in my bones

The touch of my flesh

The sigh of your tongue

I am waiting

You are wanting

Passionate pain

Urging hunger

Echoing lips and forgotten phrases

Beat to a drumming heart

Break the Seal

And fly away

You’ll never be the same

Why?

I often wonder why I dream of you.

Popping up like a ghost with no place to go

The pain is gone

The feeling is dead

Then why do I see you?

Why do you torture me so?

British Idiot

Today, in the west end, I saw American Idiot. This isn’t my first experience with this show or music (for anyone that doesn’t know me). It’s probably in my top 10 favorite musicals and I’ve seen it four times on Broadway. I knew this production wasn’t a carbon copy of the Broadway production and I was excited for that. I really wanted to see a British perspective of a musical so intertwined with American culture. But it truly was it’s downfall but I will get to that later.

First off, American Idiot is personally one of my favorite albums. Growing up in New York, living through 9/11, and dealing with its aftermath, that album truly made me feel like someone else got it. I know a lot of my generation feels that way. I still remember my dad blasting it in his car. Even as time went on it was always an album that I would constantly run back to. Some friends even thinking I was very much like Whatsername. So it is very personal and heart wrenching for me. So when the moment I found out about it being turned into a musical I freaked. I begged my parents to take me to see it in Berkeley (they said no) then luckily (and not surprisingly) it moved to Broadway. I scored a ticket with my parents and sat only a few rows away from Green day themselves. I was elated and enthralled. While I do admit there were some flaws in the production, I loved it and saw it an additional 3 times. It was a solid show and shuttered much sooner then it should have. That being said, the west end production left me unsatisfied.

I will admit being American and a New Yorker also gave me a much harder perspective. I felt as if I was watching a caricature through British eyes of 9/11 and America during those years. With the cast I never felt anger, rage, and sorrow of what was happening around them. I do dislike comparing it, but with the Broadway cast you could feel the rage coming off them through their voices and physicality. The detachment of the cast not being American kind of threw the material for a loop. I am not saying the cast wasn’t talented but they didn’t seem to feel the story. “Rage and love, the story of my life,” Is truly any anthem for so many Americans my age. I never once felt that. Maybe, the trauma of 9/11 only hit us and only then can we truly tap into that emotion. Or it just could have been the end of the performance week lag. I’ll probably never know. It did also make me question how the rest of the world sees us. They used clips of the towers falling (on repeat for half an hour), and Bush and his ever so stupid remarks. I heard a few chuckles and made me realize how much this piece will only truly effect us and how it’s just story for them but it’s our everyday lives. It’s a terrifying notion of human experience.

Moving onto the cast, the chemistry was not there. I never believed Johnny and Whatsername loved/lusted for one another or even the character of Whatsername being this badass who didn’t take shit from anyone. Even technical things irked with the characters. The American accents were extremely forced and everyone seemed to try to sing rock-ish but only kept coming off as musical theatre like (perfect singing/contained). The band sounded good but not aggressive enough. Green Day is loud and angry like most Americans at that time. They didn’t use this aggression. I was also disappointed when some of the cast was off beat of the songs. I’m trying to blame this on being the last show of the week. The chorography aloes was way too perfect. One of my favorite things from the Broadway production was the almost unconscious movement of breaking down every detail of your body to the sound. Doing ballet turns ruined the moments of anger. Using gimmicks such as creepy masks made me so displaced I considered leaving. None of these characters I cared for as I had previously. Even little nitpicky things began to drive me nuts like the use of cell phones for texting. The only redemption it had was a few moments of replacing Johnny with St. Jimmy to hammer in the point that they are the same person. But even that was muddled with not enough angry and deepness of Johnny’s darkness. The only honest moments of the show for me came with “Wake Me Up When September Ends.” They just played guitar and sang. Only a few moments of throwing leaves but it was honest and raw unlike the rest of the performance.

Overall, I am truly disappointed in this production.  I had hoped it would show an audience not from America, the rage and love we all feel for a country especially the kids of my generation who grew up knowing nothing else. Our endless Sep

Dreams Aren't Always What They Seem To Be

The snow glowed beneath the florescent light of her for corner window. The night was dark, darker then she had seen in years. All the stars were smothered out before reaching the night sky. She was sat upon her grandmother’s rocking chair waiting for the time to slip by. 7:30 the clock read and the ticking wouldn’t stop beating into her brain. Charlie would be home soon she prayed.  She put her cold hands upon her growing stomach. She could feel her new love kicking and turning. The fluttering that could make her heart melt in an instant. She was only a few months along but felt her connection to her baby and the joy she felt to finally have a child.

She was considered old by so many including her own mother. They thought she would never have a child especially at 35. It was how much they doubted she would be married when she hit 27. Everyone including her husband thought she was barren and treated her as if she was some sort of fragile glass. Don’t bring children around her; don’t talk about children, if you’re pregnant stay away from her. She hated that everyone tip toed around her. She was strong enough to understand she wasn’t barren. She would have a child and every time someone doubted her she showed him or her. No one believed she would marry the richest and most wanted boy in her town especially with her doubty looks. She was never considered beautiful. Her hair never turned to a beautiful color but a mousey brown, her eyes big, too big for her face, her nose small but crooked, and lips that’s barely existed. She wasn’t fat either but in the middle of being normal and disproportioned, She now filled out due to her growing stomach and she felt beautiful. When she met her husband he wasn’t wowed by her by any means and she always just ignored his presence in fear of taunting that she knew would ultimately come her way. She was an outsider and never really well liked so the most popular boy would never even see her as a person.

Charlie was his name. He was the tallest boy in school and was the town’s superstar like every little town had. He was gorgeous and everyone assumed he would marry his high school sweetheart, Leah-ann.  She was the perfect clichéd prom queen but underneath she wasn’t.  She went to Hollywood after graduation to try to be a star. She ended up doing porn then OD’ing in a bathroom. He parents still say she died in a tragic are accident but all of us know the truth. She never liked Leah-ann. They always treated each other like dirt especially since Lean-Ann always knew that she was in love with Charlie. Charlie’s never noticed her or even cared too until he was alone at 26 no longer being the star he was supposed to. He worked a dead end job, didn’t marry, and barely had any friends since they all went off to the big city.  Charlie planned to kill himself.

She was walking home when she saw the smoke coming from the garage. She ran without thinking and pulled the garage door open. She was smoked with the heavy smell of gasoline. She covered her mouth and moved forward and saw the car still running with Charlie’s head slumped over in the drivers seat. She felt her adrenaline kicked in with every second. She pulled the car door open and with whatever strength she had dragged him out onto the street. He was breathing and reluctantly opened his eyes. He lived and he never thanked her. He just married her.

She knew she loved him more then he would ever love her. She had accepted it long ago. He drank, she cleaned, he hated himself, and she knew how lucky she was. The cycle continued for years through his depression and her attempts to have a baby and she knew now he dreams were finally coming true. She would have a child that would love her more then anyone else had or could and she would do the same and it would be them against the world forever. She continued rocking on her grandmother’s old chair praying softly that everything would be ok. 

The click of the door forced her out of her trance. She turned and saw Charlie standing there drunk yet again.  He stumbled and fell. She was too big to help him up. He grumbled as he stood and began to yell. She felt the hot tears starting to roll down her cheeks. He yelled at her for saving his life and for the life they created but this time was different. He had fury in his eyes. She stood up to go away but he hit her, which he had never done before. She cried harder and tired to scream but his hand flew up to her mouth. His other hand began to grab at her stomach.

“I never wanted this…” He hissed like a snake and punched her stomach with all his weight. She collapsed while the blood began to form a pool in between her legs.

“Daisy, you need to stop crying. You are going to be fine. I’ve gone to med school and my father taught me how to do these. It’s normal to hemorrhage a bit.” His voice was worried and Daisy knew. This wasn’t simple and she wasn’t where she thought she was. The smell of bleach and bright lights distracted her from the fact she was in a garage.

“This isn’t real. “ She repeated over and over again. “Where is my husband?” she finally demanded at the young boy.  The boy and probably his wife looked at each other confused. The woman came toward her and tired to put her hand on Daisy’s and but she ripped it away. Daisy was like a scared animal at this point.  The woman persisted and stayed next to her trying to calm her.

“Sweetie, I don’t think you are married. Some man dropped you off here with a lot of money. Don’t ya remember?” Daisy was confused and felt the room beginning to spin. She remembered what her life was. Her real life not the fake anesthia this boy doctor gave to her.

No husband. Alone. Charlie was drunk and raped her. Paid her to get it fixed. She refused. She loved him. She wanted a family. He threatened to kill her. She doesn’t remember much else but that she’s alone and dying. She feels more blood pooling at her legs and the room begins to spin faster. She let out a scream before her whole life fades to nothing. She was nothing.