Stormy Night

I heard you calling through the rain 

My childhood bedroom screaming of my past mistakes

Eyes wide in the darkness

Was this all a mistake? 

A haunting game that could never cease? 

I ran far away to escape your face 

But turn the corner and there you appear

A ring on her finger

My biggest fear

I tell myself love isn't here anymore 

But that's all be a lie

A century since we've been together 

And you're still my stormy sky. 

Cheat

Hand on your hip

Bitten lip

Unsaid words 

Wasted time

Delusional girl 

Unfaithful boy

Broken alibis 

Common tale

Love or lust? 

Never mind the pain. 

Those Green Eyes

“How long are you going to keep doing this to yourself?” Jay said out of nowhere. My head turned to look at him above my tattered journal.

“Do what?” Did I say something earlier I forgot? I know I have a tendency to go into my own world but I can wake up enough when someone is talking to me. He stared me down like I had done something wrong.

“Keep living in this world without being in it.” Where was this coming from? The room was silent. He had shut off the TV and was just looking at me like a therapist with a patient.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I tried to go back to my writing but his eyes kept boring into me. “What?” I snapped my head back to glare at him.

“You keep writing about these dreams and you ever wonder if they are trying to tell you something?” My stomach dropped a little. Maybe, he was right. I looked down at my writing again, it was gibberish, feelings and ideas all fumbled together like hieroglyphics. I looked back up at him and he relaxed his position. My eyes began to dart to the movement by the door. A shadow of a man came into the light.

“No…” My breath was becoming shallow. Jay didn’t blink or look behind him. He gave me a knowing look. The mans’ green eyes catching the light. This isn’t real. Please wake up, I stood up to run by my legs wouldn’t let me have an give.

“Mia…” He was stepping forward, my heart slamming against my ribs with every step. He reached for me and grazed my cheek with his index finger. His touch sending the same chills down my spine like it always used to. I tried to look at Jay for help but he became invested in his book again. My eyes shifted up to those green eyes that could disable me. A slow smile crept across his lips. “I’ve missed you.” He whispered as he leaned into my lips.

My whole body jerked upright in my moist and dissembled bed. My heart racing and tears streaming down my face. I looked around the room to make sure I was alone. I flicked on the lights and began to catch my breath. It was just a dream but I could still feel his touch and those eyes still on my skin.

“It was just a dream…” I continued to mutter as I lay eyes wide in my bed.

High

Silence

An empty flat

Blood still pumping

Heart racing

Ears ringing

Another night drifting away

A land you need to stay

Electricity feeding through your veins

A high that should never escape

But it falls

Like the snow

And melts before you can touch it

To lay in a cold bed, all alone

Let go of the smile

And say hello to morose.

No Control

Close your eyes

Slip away

Zip your dress down

I’ll do the same

I don’t need another name

You are all the same

Just another escape

Another release

Another moment to fade

In a moan

In a sigh

Fall from the night

Romance is a dirty word

Baby, right now it’s just you and I

No chances

No lies

Just a hungry for freedom

A new ending and a breath of relief.

Notting Hill Daydream

I can see it. I can see the house tucked between rows of multicolored houses that look exactly the same. The tiny front yard that holds an outdated mailbox. A line of cars from vintage to new BMW’s lining the streets next to perfectly trimmed trees. Breakfast on the table. The smell of pancakes and muffins wafting in the air. A cat and a dog lying on the front rug. A laptop open. New writing. A flutter in my growing stomach. Tiny footsteps running up and down the stairs. A husband rushing around the house chasing and searching. He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek as he passes. We try to clean. Mess all around. Beautiful mess. He’s smiling. He’s away from his normal routine. He’s home. We are a family. This is bliss. Chaotic bliss but the sad part is that none of this is true. It may well never be. Just another dream. A fantasy of a time much to far off.

Sold

The more she smiles, the more my heart clenches. She sees me for just a second and looks away. No eye contact. Forbidden. Her green eyes looking like I plunged a dagger deep into her. A camera flashing for a moment. We are not alone. Yet another question. Another lie. She can’t even hold it all in. I can’t either. What am I doing? She says she loves him. Another punch in the gut. I smile and nod. Just another game. Puppets with too many strings. Flash. Look this way. Flash. How’s the new love? Flash. How much will it take for this to end? Flash. I know how her mouth tastes. Flash. Who is the new guy? Flash.  Just a friend. Flash. Is this worth it? The flashing halts. Another time in the limelight. We are ushered. Pushed, into another round of sparring. Tick tock. Time is money. We are money. Nothing more. I sold my soul to the devil for a price of fame. Love is not on the itinerary.

The Ballad of Hailey and Blaine

“You know what, Hailey?” He stared at me with the same intense brown eyes that looked at me with love and hatred. “I’m not as strong as you. Despite every belief you have ever had. I’m not. I will never be. I crack every fucking minute of my life. Do you actually think I want to be this addicted to something so fucking numbing? Do you think I want to see that pain in your eyes every second I hold a bottle? Do you really believe that? I’m not what you want me to be. I am never going to be as great as you or live up to your expectations of me. So just leave. I know you want to. I’ve seen the luggage in the hallway. I’ve heard the late night calls to your friends. I get it. You can’t take it anymore. I’m not gonna blame you for it or I’m not going to blackmail you into staying. I love you more than I can stand and I wish I could do it for you but I’m not. Who knows? Maybe it’ll get worse and I’ll die and you’ll never have to deal with my problems again.” He caught what he had said and saw that I made a few steps forward. He instinctively tried to hold his hands above his face but I slapped him before he could. He just kept his head turned and we both stayed silent listening to the city traffic screaming to both sides of us. He turned and stared at me. I stared right back.

“I’m not as strong as you think I am.” Was all I could say as I began to walk away. I could feel him behind me hovering. He wanted to walk away but he needed to make sure I was safe. Stubborn fool. This was the last straw. I can’t take it anymore.

After following me twenty blocks, I finally reached Angie’s apartment. I slowly walked up the steps and turned slightly to see him at the bottom looking like a pathtic puppy.

“Go home, Blaine. I’ll get my stuff tomorrow.” I said as coldly as my voice could stand. He just stood tense barely moving his eyes away from mine.

“I’m sorry,” He said in the most heartfelt voice he could manage and for once it wasn’t enough.

One Step Closer to the Bell Jar

I’m your fly away muse

The light bulb in your dark

You’re my voice in the silence

The moon to my stars

But is the pain worth the art?

The broken bones

Bruises on the soul

Just another slit of the knife

And baby you’re all mine

I’m your Sylvia Plath

And you’re my ted Hughes

But should this end?

Or continue to inspire?

For years to come

Madness for beauty

Even if it ends with my head in an oven?

Shimmer

The sparkle and the shimmer

Flies past the night

Past the moment

Evaporating

A mist that one can never grasp

The melting snow

Burns the touch of the ice

The fresh water cleaning everything in its path

Peace and quiet on the souls

Charity and love coming forth

Even for a momentary glimpse

Content is the word that comes to mind

Beauty of the rising dawn

If only it could last forever

Afloat.

I can’t see you through the fog

A phantom

A ghost

Lost through the sea

You’ve forgotten me

But I stay still

Hoping

Aching

A void that will not be filled

Or even understood

I have the stars

Beyond the dark

The will keep me afloat.

4 A.M.

Restless as the night fades to the dawn

Hungry for what I cannot seem to face

Lonely as the silence takes hold

A new day approaches

Yet I lay awake

Hopeless

Dreaming

Empty

Blackness

So I gave you all I had and you threw it away

I kissed your hand and you punched me in the face

Dreamed of you every night

Now my nightmares star your eyes

And then I shift to new lies

Something forms deep in my gut

It eats away at what I know

It fills my mind with blackness

It leaves me with no soul

It leaves the bottle empty

And me dry with nothing more

I wish I could stop the darkness

And save myself from the unknown

But can I save what’s already lost,

By the haunting of another soul?

Clutch

Clutch to your name

Cause nothing has changed

I’m still the girl who fears the pain

But revels in it

I see you from a distance

And wonder if your smile is real at all?

I should focus on me

Find a boy to fill the void

But your eyes still haunt me

You knew me better

I knew you less

Did it even matter?

I don’t still want you

This isn’t my play

Getting this off my chest is what I need

So my friends can finally forget your name

And maybe, I’ll find a reason to believe again.

Urge

Drip feed me your lines

Bit by bit

Sigh by Sigh

I know you’re a liar

But so am I

I’ve fallen before

Head first

Backwards

You name it I’ve gone

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I know your eyes

Green through the winter

Blue in the spring

Red when you see me

Black through everything

You know me with that echo

The voice of wanting

And the silly smirk

No one said this would be easy

But you know you wanna try

Just a taste of your lips

And we can say goodnight

No more passion plays

A fly by night

We can just be alive

Let Me Touch You Where Your Heart Is

The villa was a dream itself. A white and brown, Spanish dream, sitting upon a waterfront of lilies and roses. The music of water rushing with tiny beats, a soundtrack that never ceased. He was leaning his arm against the wall in his tattered white jeans and retro button down shirt. He looked bored or even deep in thought. He paid no mind to the party going on around him. I observed him from the patio watching him with intense curiosity. I shouldn’t have been so invested in him but something in my blood screamed for me to examine him. So I did, and the more I observed the more my heart began to flutter. He was beautiful, like an Italian painting with Emerald green eyes, eyes that were distant, far from this exotic place. His hair was long and unkempt the color of chocolate that he couldn’t help but play with every time the wind struck him. I must have been staring for longer then I anticipated because his eyes caught mine with the same curiosity. He smirked at me, boldly.  He knew I was attracted to him and found no qualms in acknowledging it. I couldn’t look away so much so that I noticed his smirk formed on his left cheek, making him adorable as much as he was handsome. I couldn’t help but sheepishly smile back, my eyes quickly darting to the floor. I swore I could hear his laugh from the other side of the room. I pulled my wine glass closer to me like a cross, protecting me from a rather embarrassing moment. I looked up again and our eyes locked yet again. The room began to melt around us. I can’t remember how long it lasted but I could feel a gravitational pull making my resistance harder and harder with every wave. I knew I wouldn’t make the move. I couldn’t. His eyes froze me. I was incapacitated by him. After a few more moments, he mentally decided to approach me. He began to move towards me like a panther stalking his prey. My instincts finally kicked in and I began to make my way through the crowd. I knew he would follow and I didn’t care. I wanted the chase. I needed somewhat of an upper hand. My body was echoing a feeling that had long since been forgotten, desire. I wanted him, no, I needed him. He began to get closer so much so that I could smell his sweet cologne making my mouth water. I moved quicker.  I made my way inside, down the stairs, deeper and deeper until I hit the wine cellar. The sounds of the party dying upstairs and the sound of my breath hitching in my throat filled the old cellar. I waited the few seconds for him to reach me and without a moment of notice, he lightly slid his fingers over my spine, slower and slower, vertebrae by vertebrae. My body shivering with his touch. I turned slightly. My lips parting to make a sound.

“Shh…” He replied pulling me closer to the heat of his body, his hands gently tugging at my hair. He turned me slightly to face him and pressed my back to the wall. Only a breath away from his lips I could see his eyes. Those green eyes that could melt even the iciest of hearts, most importantly mine. Then second by second he got closer. He paused drinking every last bit of the moment in.

“Just kiss me…” I begged.

 He did, and nothing would ever be the same.

Beat

Breaking down

Flying past

Thoughts bursting

Hyper activity

Just another symptom

Shaking

Feeling

Nails down to the quick

Don’t speak

They won’t listen

Inspiration

Pain or loneliness

It doesn’t even matter

I am just a definition

Blood is the only thing that makes me real

Three Simple Words

I love you. Three simple words filled with such misery. You say them and then you say goodbye. Your bags are packed with a heavy heart. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Why was she better? What is wrong with me? Tiny blue pills are given to fill the void and to fake the happiness I once felt. The pain is still there hidden by a dark haze. Lying await for the opportune moment to break me down all over again. I take more pills to fill a bigger void but you’re still not there. The dreams are fading. The tears still come. I see no escape. I’m just alone with sad three little words to you that you will never hear. I love you.

Paris, with Love.

Your beauty will never cease

Don’t let the light fly from your eyes

You will overcome

You will be stronger

You will be more marvelous then before

We’ll see you and fall in love all over again.

When will...

Bloody streets

Debris choking every breath

Pain circulating through the world

When will we learn?

When will stop relying on the chains around our neck?

When will this agony stop plaguing our short lives?

When will we realize we are all of the same flesh and this needs to end?

Will death be our answer?

Or can peace fight through?

  I want to live to know.

I Have Loved You Since We Were 18...

Isn’t it scary to think that all our future romantic endeavors fall upon the silly decisions of love when we are 18? Our first loves make or break us. We can choose to learn or shut down. Part of us will always compare others to them no matter how great or horrible they may be. There touches, there kisses, or the way they made you feel. It lives in us like a tattoo on our minds. We never get past it. Do we want to? Or do these loves define us as people? Are they meant to push us down the roads we need to be or do they make us crippled by the youth we so long to keep? Maybe those lucky enough to keep there first loves are the ones who get to live in that bubble while the rest of us give into the undeniable pain of growing old and never sharing that heart-shattering love. Maybe, we really truly are ghosts of our own past love. Ghost that are destined to share fragmental love till the end.

London Fog

The fog rolls on foggy London town

The sound of silence breaking the deafening screams of the city

Wiping away the sins of Halloween

Renewing the time of fall into winter

Everything has changed

Everything is new

Should I fade with the fog or change with the season?

Wants and Needs

I've been realizing lately that the older I get my wants have drastically changed. I know it tends to happen but I've always been the type of person who matured very young and was very certain about her life goals. I've always wanted to fall in love. I always knew this wasn't a Prince Charming type of love. I've always wanted a spanning through ages type of love. It sounds incredibly cheesy. It also doesn't sound like me to most people. I keep this admission close to the vest. I wanted that love and eventually have a family. Now, I'm not sure I truly want that anymore. In these notions I tended to forget about myself. I'm not saying I wanted a barefoot and pregnant lifestyle but I did start to fall behind my imaginary love. It didn't become evident until my last relationship. I lost that prospect of being complete with just myself before loving someone else. The relationship wasn't healthy in any regard but it showed me my terrifying reflection. I was bowing down to a man's dreams instead of my own because I loved him so much. I was afraid to let go. It took a lot of soul searching and now I really do feel like I'm close to completion. I'll never truly escape certain demons but I know who I am and want I really do want. I want to create things I am proud of. I want to travel the world. I want to be a better person. And ultimately I still do want a family whether that be with a partner or not. I know I'll be a great mom. I always have had a lot of love to give and my child will feel all of that. Maybe, my soul mate is within my unborn future child. Life really is crazy sometimes and sometimes you really do need to lose yourself to realize that person you truly are. 

Stronger

The darkness has always been part of my soul

I’ll never escape

I embrace it

I use it as art

I manipulate it when the pain is too much to bear

It has pushed me to the brink

I have died in my mind millions of times

But then I see the sun

I feel that light

And I remember

I am always stronger