Overslept

Sometimes I can’t get out of bed. I feel like nothing is real except for sleep. I could sleep for eternity. The sun can be shining. It could be the perfect temperature but I’m alone, locked under those sheets. I’m so tired. I don’t know why. I’ve slept for hours upon hours. Yawn, sigh, I pull the shades down, lock the door, ignore the day that’s calling for me. 

I have a meeting. I have to see friends. I need to do anything but there I am, my warm bed weighing me down.

Sometimes it’s the nightmares. The dreams. The pain. The feeling nothing will ever truly be better. It’s always the same. I’ve spent years missing weeks of my life. A school week, a friend week, a family week, it doesn’t matter. They are all the same and I’ve missed them. I’m irresponsible the unknown say. I wish they were right. 

Sleeping turns to fears to anxiety to the overwhelming weight holding down my chest. 

A vicious cycle that year after year, I can’t ever seem to shake. The help never ends it or the motivation or the slight glimpse of joy. I fight to get up and out that door. I’ve fought and lost and won. An endless struggle, but that bed calls. It always wins.

Sometimes in pleasure, I have a day to spend, but others, that bed is my worst enemy. 

Night Light, Past Regrets

Leather jacket, dirty jeans

Moonlight walking down the abandoned street

Piercing desire, hanging in the air

lips apart, teeth clenched

Messy hair running through your hands

Should have made the dash

You knew you could

These city lights 

and your poisonous eyes

holding you back 

Gone too far even with a breath

Pull back and slide away

You’ll be her biggest regret

Wanting her never came too hard

Those dark eyes, made her yours

Slipping, and falling into your arms

You wanted her, she wanted more

Can you live with the pain of breaking her heart

Or the echoing darkness 

Without any start.

Shut door, locked key

Now a distant memory

A smiling photo

Wishing you could be

The guy she's locked onto

So Gracefully

Where Am I?

Where am I? I don’t even know. I have seemed to lost any direction I’ve had. I thought I was ready for change, ready to see the world, ready to finally be me. But who I am? I don’t know. I once was the girl with the smile to brighten the sky, then the girl who can make almost anyone laugh, then the girl with the broken smile, now I wear nothing. I don’t have the strength to put on a mask or to lie to the world. I can’t even lie to the one person who truly changed me. I’ve lost him somewhere in the distance. He’s still with me but the man I love is gone. His touch, his smile, and his kiss is no longer there. Maybe, it is lost with whatever I was. I don’t know anymore and I don’t know if things are going to change for the better. I think the small part of optimism is gone forever.