Just another breath and it will all be ok. The burning pain shredding through my body will subside. I will live. You’ll love me again. Love me like the first moment you saw me. Love me like the first moment I brought you coffee on that chilly fall day or the moment I read you one of my poems. You chose me. You found me. You pulled me out of my proverbial darkness. You told me I was the only girl you ever wanted to love. I was to be your Mrs. forever and for always. You courted. I fell harder then I ever thought possible. I was the sad, lonely girl dying for love. Love that was nothing like my parents. Not angry or bitter or full of rage. True, pure love. Something to dream of to ride off into the sunset with. I fell without safety nets. A year flew by. I began to feel weak. Addicted to you. Wanting no-one or nothing else. You promised your love. You told me I was insane. I believed. Then she smiled your way and you hurt me. Humiliated me to a point I thought I would die. I lost 20 pounds and became a skeletal remain. Everyone said you were no goos. I tried. A month went by. You called and said you were wrong. I spit out the remaining pills.
We fell back in sync like nothing changed. You flowered me with love. I grew afraid. You became distant and made me feel small. Tiny comments began to grow. You’re stupid, you’re fat, no one will ever love you. I deserved them. I needed them. He would apologize when I would cry. It was okay. He was sorry. He kissed me and everything was better. He would go away and I would crumble. Are you okay? People would ask. My puffy eyes would deceive. I’m fine. I would lie. He beckoned. I ran. The word would seep in again. I began to fight back. He began to pull away. I begged for him to stay. He dangled himself over my fragile state and left a bruise across my chest. Our little secret, he would never hurt me again.
I believed. I believed it all. I believed after every bruise, every cut, every black eye, every hospital stay, every lie, every shot to my dignity. Because I believe in love. I believe in true agonizing painful love.
